girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
