How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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