Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize