youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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