he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
