Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
