im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
