I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
