Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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