i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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