I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
