lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
