Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
