Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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