So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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