I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
