I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
