Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
