you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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