I haven't been this sober since birth.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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