Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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