Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize