When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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