I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
