I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
