The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
