tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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