Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
