There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
