she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
