Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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