Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
