Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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