I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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