Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
