we have officially lost it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
