I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
