I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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