Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
