Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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