im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
