I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
