just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's shark week go big or go home
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
