The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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