I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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