just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
