This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
