you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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