Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
