DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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