Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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