There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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