I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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