I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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