Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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