Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
