I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
